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You're drinking way too much coffee when...

  Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

  You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.

  Instant coffee takes too long.

  You chew on other people's fingernails .

  You answer the door, before people knock .

  You sleep with your eyes open.

  You go to sleep, just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.

  You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

  You're the employee of the month at Starbucks and you don't even work there.

  You help your dog chase its tail.

  You lick your coffeepot clean.

  You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

  You're so wired you pick up FM radio.

  You have a picture of your coffee mug, on your coffee mug!

  You ski uphill.

  You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

  You speed walk in your sleep.

  You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."

  You answer the door before people knock.

  You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

  You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.

  You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

  You sleep with your eyes open.

  You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

  The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

  You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

  You lick your coffeepot clean.

  You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."

  You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.

  You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

  Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

  You chew on your neighbors pet toy for something to chew on in a pinch.

  The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

  Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's coffee."

  Your so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

  You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

  You can jump-start your car without cables.

  Cocaine is a downer.

  All your kids are named "Joe."

  You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.

  Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."

  You don't sweat, you percolate.

  You buy milk by the barrel.

  You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.

  You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

  You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

  You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

  Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.

  You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

  People get dizzy just watching you.

  You find a penny and say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."

  You've worn the finish off your coffee table.

  The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.

  Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

  Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.

  You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.

  People can test their batteries in your ears.

  Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.

  Instant coffee takes too long.

  You channel surf faster without a remote.

  When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."

  You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can

  You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.

  Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil

  You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.

  You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.

  You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.

  You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."

  You get drunk just so you can sober up.

  You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.

  Your Thermos is on wheels.

  Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.

  You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

  You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

  You short out motion detectors.

  You have a conniption over spilled milk.

  You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

  Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

  You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.

  You don't tan, you roast.

  You don't get mad, you get steamed.

  Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before and coffee after.

  Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, & a glass of ice coffee to get you in the mood.

  You can't even remember your second cup.

  You help your dog chase its tail.

  You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

  Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.

  You introduce your spouse as your coffee mate.

  You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."

  Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

  When you fart all you ever smell is cappuccino with a touch of vanilla.


Why coffee is better than women...

1. You don't have to put cream in your coffee to make it taste good.

2. Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream in it.

3. A cup of coffee looks good in the morning.

4. You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee.

5. You can always warm coffee up.

6. Coffee comes with endless refills.

7. Coffee is cheaper.

8. You won't get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 am.

9. Coffee never runs out.

10. Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.

11. You can take black coffee home to meet your parents.

12. You can make coffee as sweet as you want.

13. You can smoke while drinking coffee.

14. You can put out a cigarette in a cup of coffee.

15. Coffee smells and tastes good.

16. You don't have to put vinegar in your coffee.

17. If your coffee pot leaks, you can use a regular paper towel.

18. You can always get fresh coffee.

19. You can turn the pot on, leave the room, and it'll be hot when you get back.

20. They sell coffee at police stations.

21. You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.

22. Coffee goes down easier.

23. If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight.

24. No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.

25. A big cup or small cup? It doesn't matter.

26. Your coffee doesn't talk to you.

27. Coffee smells good in the morning.

28. Coffee is good when it's cold too.

29. Coffee stains are easier to remove.

30. Coffee doesn't care when you dunk things in it.

31. Coffee doesn't care what kind of mood you're in.

32. Coffee doesn't shed.

33. Coffee is ready in 15 minutes or less.

34. You can't get a cup of coffee pregnant by putting cream in it.

35. Coffee doesn't mind being ground.

36. No matter how bad coffee is, you can always make it better.

37. Coffee doesn't have a time of the month - it's good all the time.

38. When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.

39. When you have a coffee, you don't end up with a pub in the back of your throat.

40. Coffee doesn't take up half your bed.

41. Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 am and decide to have a cup.


43. You can have an intelligent conversation with coffee.

44. It can take up to two weeks for coffee to grow mold.

45. Your coffee won't be jealous of a larger cup.



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